Before and After: "Fezariu's Epiphany"

David Brown came to me looking for help with the blurb for the first novel in his interconnected-but-standalone series, "The Elencheran Chronicles." This is what he has to say about working with me:

"People seemed to like 'Fezariu's Epiphany' when they read it but getting them to read it was proving difficult to say the least.  I knew my blurb was weak but I didn't realise how much stronger it could be until I contacted Mei.

"Mei impressed me so much: she was thorough, asked lots of questions and it was clear she wanted to get to grips with the story before finalising a blurb.  The outcome was a much more enticing blurb that sells the book in a way the previous one couldn't.

"I wouldn't hesitate to contact Mei again if I was having blurb problems. This isn't blurb medicine - it's blurb magic!"

Gosh, thanks, David! I dunno if it's magic, but I'm glad I could help.

Here are the before(s)-and-after--David sent me two different blurb attempts.

Before #1:
The White Oak, Clarendon's oldest brothel, lured and destroyed men by the thousands. Fezariu was different. He had never been drawn by the White Oak's vices but the brothel had still ruined him when he was just a boy.

Salvation came in the form of the Merelax Mercenaries - Elenchera's most prestigious hired hands. They gave Fezariu the chance to escape from his past. Immersed in the world of dangerous assignments in the colonies Fezariu longed to forget everything about his childhood but only in facing the past would he ever be free of it.

Before #2:
Suffering a betrayal as a young boy, Fezariu turns his back on his family. Convinced their way of life will help him leave his past behind, he joins the Merelax Mercenaries. In a quest to prove himself and survive his dangerous assignments in the Colonies, he's forced to forge new alliances but works hard to distance himself emotionally. Despite his determined focus to move on his thoughts are drawn back to Clarendon where the White Oak, an infamous brothel, holds the secret to his past and the childhood friend he abandoned still remains.

After:
13-year-old Fezariu thought his mother died when he was little, but when his beloved stepfather dies the boy discovers she is alive and well--and working at the most famous brothel in all of Elenchera. When she cruelly rejects him it's more than he can bear, and he runs away to join a band of ruthless soldiers for hire. The Merelax Mercenaries will fight for anyone who can pay them, no matter the justice of the cause.

Fezariu grows up among the soldiers and becomes one of them. He thinks his time with the mercenaries has hardened him. But a campaign in his old home town pushes him too far, and he discovers what really happened to his mother. Maybe there are some things money shouldn't buy...and maybe it's time Fezariu took his revenge.


Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.