Monday, December 19, 2011
New before/after: "The Fallen"
I like to keep this blog transparent, and so I present the failures as well as the wins. Sometimes clients and I don't agree on what's going to work. That's entirely the client's prerogative. It's the author's book, and it's the author's right to represent it the way s/he thinks it should be represented.
With that, here's today's before/after, E.S. Lark's "The Fallen," a prequel in her Wynrith series. I'm giving you the original version, my reworked version, and the version Ms Lark eventually wrote and used. Her version isn't wrong; it's just not mine. (Note: My version has missing info in brackets; we never got to that point in our back-and-forth.)
Acanit knows he’s different; the elders made sure of it shortly after his birth. From his ebony coat and misshaped form to the spikes running down the middle of his back, Acanit’s every bit a hardian—a demon as they claim. And while he still has the love of his parents, the clan cannot possibly feed a creature that’s unable to fit within one of their homes.
Tasked with an impossible hunt if he wishes to stay, Acanit considers what life would be like beyond the borders of his village. But when creatures much like himself steal him away from the only family he’s ever known, Acanit learns his blood is more valuable than all of their lives combined. Bred as part of an experiment, Acanit’s the only one of his kind—shaped by two clans, neither of which he belongs to. If the other clans were to get wind of the power that lies within his bloodstream, they could easily use him to start a war. And there are others who are after him for this very reason. Tracked by the Endarkened, Acanit must decide between running to save his own life or sacrificing himself for those he loves.
No matter what path he takes, his decision will change the face of Wynrith forever.
Acanit wishes he looked like the rest of his village. Their feathers and fur are brown, and they stand on two legs. Acanit's pelt is black, he stands on all fours, and wicked spikes march down his back--he looks like a demon. The villagers have shunned him all his short life.
When creatures more like him steal him from his village, Acanit discovers why they're different: they're genetic experiments sought after by the Endarkened, a race of beings out to conquer the world of Wynrith. Acanit is the "experiment" the Endarkened want most. Every part of him seems made for war--except his peaceful soul. Acanit runs from them, only to run straight into love when he meets [[name of mate]].
The Endarkened make him an impossible offer: if he joins them, he'll be forced to become the greatest weapon on Wynrith, and spawn more of his kind. But if he refuses, [[name of mate]] will die. Acanit must choose: betray his planet, or betray his love.
E.S. Lark's After:
Acanit wants nothing more than to belong with those of his clan, but their bipedal, birdlike forms are in stark contrast to his own. From his ebony coat to the spines on his back as he walks on all fours, everything about Acanit screams hardian—demon. Shunned by his kin shortly after birth, Acanit’s only ever known the life of an outsider.
But when a clan of look-alikes steal him away from his home, he learns that fitting in has its price. As part of an ongoing experiment between his kin and his scale covered clones, Acanit is sought after by the Endarkened, who if given the chance, will use his blood as a weapon of war.
Should they ever find him, they’ll make him an impossible offer—join them and watch his kind die by his own hand or die in their place.
Acanit must choose: sacrifice himself and remain loyal to his kin or betray all of Wynrith.
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.