New before/after: "Angel of Brass"

Today's book is Elaine Corvidae's YA steampunk adventure "Angel of Brass." Let's get to it, shall we? (I have champagne to drink--my Kickstarter just went over $4,000, and I finished what may be the final version of my second book.)

Before:
Jin is a monster. Built from clockwork and spare parts, he can pass as human—barely. Horrified by the twisted plans of his creator, he flees for his life, but must leave his “sister” behind in Dr. Malachi’s clutches.

Dr. Malachi won’t let go of his prize creation so easily, and soon Jin is pursued by mechanical men and shambling zombies. His only hope lies with Molly, a brave mechanic able to see beyond the clockwork to the boy inside.

Can they foil Dr. Malachi’s schemes and save Jin’s sister? Or will Molly betray him when she learns the purpose for which the siblings were built: to assassinate the queen and bring about a war between nations?

After:

Dr Malachi made "siblings" Jin and Delilah of clockwork and spare parts--human and otherwise. They have one purpose: to assassinate Queen Rowena so Dr Malachi can profit from the war that will surely follow. When Jin discovers Dr Malachi's plans he runs away, but to his despair he must leave Delilah behind.

Life in the outside world is terrifying. Jin has never been away from his creator's estate, and he can barely pass for human. And now Dr Malachi's other creations--mechanical men and zombies--have picked up his trail. On the run, Jin crashes through young mechanic Molly Feldman's roof; she sees the humanity beneath the metal and decides to hide him, but soon Malachi's creatures are after her, too.

If Jin doesn't rescue his "sister" Delilah, she'll be forced to assassinate the Queen or die in the attempt. He needs Molly's help, but if she finds out he was built for the same purpose it may be the end for both Delilah and Jin.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

Great advice on blurb-writing

JW Manus has great advice today on blurb writing: Don't let Aunt Edna write your blurb:

Bless her soul, Aunt Edna is not trying to drive people crazy. It’s that she has a story to tell, and it excites her and she wants other people to understand how exciting it is, so she needs to explain all the backstory and who the characters are and, of course, every story relates to another, so Uncle Henry’s hearing problems are important, too. 

It’s those Aunt Edna-ish impulses that give many writers fits when they try to write book descriptions. They love their book, they’re excited, they want others excited, too, but they know too much and they’re emotionally involved. Browsers on Amazon or B&N won’t look for the key to the gun safe, they’ll just click the “next” button.

Jaye says if you have the money, hire a copywriter (ahem), but if not, her advice on DIY is spot on. 

New Before/After: "Tangi's Teardrops"

Today's before/after is the fantasy Tangi's Teardrops by Liz Grace Davis. Liz says, "I have to honestly say I love it. ... I think now it's short but says everything." Here's what we did together:

Before:

How long does it take for someone’s world to come crashing down?

For twelve year old Tangi, it’s less than a week.

One day her father is tucking her in, and five days later, he’s gone and she finds herself in the village church attending his funeral. The only thing he leaves her, are three empty bottles and the future of being an orphan.

After the funeral, Tangi and her stepsisters move to an uncle’s farm. With more food, more clothes and a proper bed to sleep in, she should be happy. But she’s not. In fact, she has never been unhappier. She’s starved, beaten and treated like a mere slave by people who are supposed to care for her.

Then one night, she discovers a secret connected to the empty bottles her father left her. A secret that reveals her tears to be something extra ordinary.

A secret that shows her a way out of this world and leads her to the Kingdom of Rosevine. A place where the impossible only exists in one’s mind and everything she could ever want, is right at her fingertips.

Surely, she should be happy now. She is, but for how long?

Is Rosevine really an escape or is it a ticking time bomb? Only Tangi can decide and time has just about run out.

After:

When Tangi's father dies, he leaves her nothing but three empty bottles. A kind uncle takes the poverty-stricken girl and her stepsisters in, and for a time life gets better on his farm. But Tangi remains a lonely outsider; her stepsisters tease her for her crippled leg, and the housekeepers use her like a servant.

Just before her thirteenth birthday, Tangi learns the truth about her father's strange legacy: the three bottles aren't empty any more. They're filled with all the tears she's cried since her father died, and her tears are enchanted. She must use them to travel to Rosevine, the world of her dead mother. Tangi not only belongs there but is necessary to keep Rosevine alive.

Tangi's tears will save Rosevine, and Rosevine will save Tangi from a cruelty-filled life, except for one thing: Tangi's lost the bottles.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "Love Is the Drug"

Boy, long time no blog! The holidays and editing my most recent book kept me from saying much here, business slowed with the holidays, and a lot of the blurbs I've written lately are for unpublished works. I try to save the blurb before/after for when the writer has the book out.

Today's before/after is a little different; K.E. Saxon hired me to cut her existing blurb down to a really, really short synopsis for an ad--50 to 55 words, fewer if possible! Challenging, but fun.  Here's what K.E. says about working with me:

"I swear, I sat there yesterday cutting and pasting and moving words around, and could NOT figure out how to put such a short blurb together. You were a godsend and I'll definitely recommend you!"
Thanks, K.E.! Here's what we came up with together:

Before:
What's a guy to do when he meets the woman of his dreams, but she turns out to be the sister of his most despised enemy?

Fall in love, of course!

* * *

This is the story of Jason Jörgensen, an excitement-loving bad boy and Julie Del Mar, the quiet, romantic dreamer who breaches his devil-may-care façade and helps heal the frightened boy inside.

Conceived during a violent rape, Jason knows deep down that he’s no good. So, as far as he’s concerned, his plan never to have children is not only sound, but also the right thing to do.

Julie, orphaned at twelve, has now lost her surrogate parent—her older sister—to suicide. Returning to the only real home she ever had and someday making her own family is her most profound wish.

A drugged-drink Vegas wedding brings them together, but a pregnancy test tears them apart.

After:
Jason Jörgensen discovers he’s the seed of a violent rapist and vows never to be a father. Julie Del Mar has lost the last member of her family to suicide and now she wants to create her own family. Uncontrollable desire brings them together, but a pregnancy test may tear them apart.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "The Fallen"

I like to keep this blog transparent, and so I present the failures as well as the wins. Sometimes clients and I don't agree on what's going to work. That's entirely the client's prerogative. It's the author's book, and it's the author's right to represent it the way s/he thinks it should be represented.

With that, here's today's before/after, E.S. Lark's "The Fallen," a prequel in her Wynrith series. I'm giving you the original version, my reworked version, and the version Ms Lark eventually wrote and used. Her version isn't wrong; it's just not mine. (Note: My version has missing info in brackets; we never got to that point in our back-and-forth.)

Before:
Acanit knows he’s different; the elders made sure of it shortly after his birth. From his ebony coat and misshaped form to the spikes running down the middle of his back, Acanit’s every bit a hardian—a demon as they claim. And while he still has the love of his parents, the clan cannot possibly feed a creature that’s unable to fit within one of their homes.

Tasked with an impossible hunt if he wishes to stay, Acanit considers what life would be like beyond the borders of his village. But when creatures much like himself steal him away from the only family he’s ever known, Acanit learns his blood is more valuable than all of their lives combined. Bred as part of an experiment, Acanit’s the only one of his kind—shaped by two clans, neither of which he belongs to. If the other clans were to get wind of the power that lies within his bloodstream, they could easily use him to start a war. And there are others who are after him for this very reason. Tracked by the Endarkened, Acanit must decide between running to save his own life or sacrificing himself for those he loves.

No matter what path he takes, his decision will change the face of Wynrith forever.

My After:
Acanit wishes he looked like the rest of his village. Their feathers and fur are brown, and they stand on two legs. Acanit's pelt is black, he stands on all fours, and wicked spikes march down his back--he looks like a demon. The villagers have shunned him all his short life.

When creatures more like him steal him from his village, Acanit discovers why they're different: they're genetic experiments sought after by the Endarkened, a race of beings out to conquer the world of Wynrith. Acanit is the "experiment" the Endarkened want most. Every part of him seems made for war--except his peaceful soul. Acanit runs from them, only to run straight into love when he meets [[name of mate]].

The Endarkened make him an impossible offer: if he joins them, he'll be forced to become the greatest weapon on Wynrith, and spawn more of his kind. But if he refuses, [[name of mate]] will die. Acanit must choose: betray his planet, or betray his love.

E.S. Lark's After:
Acanit wants nothing more than to belong with those of his clan, but their bipedal, birdlike forms are in stark contrast to his own. From his ebony coat to the spines on his back as he walks on all fours, everything about Acanit screams hardian—demon. Shunned by his kin shortly after birth, Acanit’s only ever known the life of an outsider.

But when a clan of look-alikes steal him away from his home, he learns that fitting in has its price. As part of an ongoing experiment between his kin and his scale covered clones, Acanit is sought after by the Endarkened, who if given the chance, will use his blood as a weapon of war.

Should they ever find him, they’ll make him an impossible offer—join them and watch his kind die by his own hand or die in their place.

Acanit must choose: sacrifice himself and remain loyal to his kin or betray all of Wynrith.


Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "Thieves at Heart"

Full disclosure: The author is a personal friend.

Today's before/after is Tristan J. Tarwater's "Thieves at Heart," the first book in her "Valley of Ten Crescents" series. I've actually read this one. That made working with Tris different; I didn't have to ask her any questions! And I know how good the book is (very). About working with me, Tris says, "*sound of you nailing it.*" :)

Here's what we did:

Before:
Tavera has grown up an outsider. A half-elf in a land of humans, she finds herself dragged through various jobs for other people’s benefit and used for their gain. When a thief named Derk plucks her from her latest job she expects more of the same from the cunning rogue, but instead finds direction, guidance and protection for the first time in her life. Her pa belongs to a group called The Cup of Cream, a group of elite thieves, scoundrels and other sorts who seek not only personal gain but to keep balance in the Valley. To join their ranks would please her father and give Tavera the acceptance she’s been seeking all her life. When the unthinkable happens, she is forced to wonder if the Cup sees her as just another tool their sleeve, or if they under-stand she is an individual with her own desires, whose heart beats faster with every take. When she needs them most, with they be there for her? She’s about to find out.

After:
Tavera is a half-elf child in a land of humans, an outsider dragged from bad to worse--until Derk whisks her away and adopts her as his own. Tavera soon finds out her new Pa is a master thief, a member of a secret, elite group of professional scoundrels called the Cup of Cream. Outlaws, yes, but they have their pride; thievery is as necessary as any other profession in the Valley of Ten Crescents.

To Derk's--and her own--delight, Tavera grows into a natural thief and works her way toward membership in the Cup. An invitation would finally give her a place to belong, and it would please the father she loves so much.

But being a thief means being only one step ahead of the law. When the law finally catches up, Tavera must choose: go against her Pa's wishes for the sake of loyalty and love; or obey him, break her heart and survive.


Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "Double-Take Tales"

Today's before/after is short and sweet, like the three stories in the collection "Double-Take Tales" by Donna Brown. Come to think on it, they're not all that sweet! Donna is a repeat client; I doctored her husband David's book Fezariu's Ephiphany.

This time around, Donna says, "Love it!  I'm sure I've told you before but you're a blurb genius!" Thanks, Donna. I don't know about "genius," but I'm always happy when clients like what I've done enough to hire me again--and again; I've got another David Brown book in my queue right this minute. :) Here's what we did:

Before:
Three short stories to make you think...

Round Trip: 24 hours in the lives of ordinary people - some facing extraordinary events - and all linked by one £5 note

Poison: A wife discovers that revenge is a dish best served slowly

C'est la vie: What will you learn when you eavesdrop on a murder investigation? 

After:
Three dark, sardonic short stories that will have you expecting the unexpected:

In "Poison," a psychologically abused wife discovers that her husband's nut allergy may be the solution to all her problems.
 
In "Round Trip," a five pound note passes through desperate hands, greedy hands and tired hands before coming full circle…accompanied by a big surprise.
 
In "Ç'est La Vie," the police bungle a murder investigation under the watchful eye of someone uncomfortably close to the killing.


Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.