Spoiler Syndrome

I see it almost every day at Kindleboards.com. A writer's looking for help with a blurb, but it's impossible to give. Why? I have no idea what the story's about. Blurb after blurb reads something like:

This guy [but I can't tell you his name] does something amazing [but I can't tell you what it is or what it does] that may change the world [but I can't tell you how]. Someone [but I can't tell you who] wants to do something else with the something amazing [but I can't tell you what that is]. It's a rollercoaster ride of suspense!

The only suspense is what the hell the book is about. Trust me, no one will buy that book to discover if it really is a rollercoaster of suspense. You haven't built interest with all the hanging questions in that blurb; you've deflected it.

"Yes," says the writer, "but I'm afraid to give too much of the story away." If this is what you're struggling with, friend, you have Spoiler Syndrome.

Studies have actually shown that getting spoiled doesn't ruin the enjoyment of the reader/viewer. Not that you should reveal the entire plot in your blurb, but don't hesitate to give people the essentials. In fact, you must give people more information than not.

A great rule Edward W. Robertson put forth at Kindleboards.com, partially paraphrased:

Any details in the first half of the book are fair game. If something unexpected happens in the first half, that's not a twist. That's a hook.

One way to break through Spoiler Syndrome: Write a draft of the blurb giving EVERYTHING away. All of it. Then pare it back until you have the basics of what the book is about.

Succumbing to Spoiler Syndrome will leave you with a mushy blurb, a blurb that gives no indication of what makes your story different or even what it's about. Look your blurb over and see if you need to give away more, not less.

More blurb-writing tips here.

Great advice on blurb-writing

JW Manus has great advice today on blurb writing: Don't let Aunt Edna write your blurb:

Bless her soul, Aunt Edna is not trying to drive people crazy. It’s that she has a story to tell, and it excites her and she wants other people to understand how exciting it is, so she needs to explain all the backstory and who the characters are and, of course, every story relates to another, so Uncle Henry’s hearing problems are important, too. 

It’s those Aunt Edna-ish impulses that give many writers fits when they try to write book descriptions. They love their book, they’re excited, they want others excited, too, but they know too much and they’re emotionally involved. Browsers on Amazon or B&N won’t look for the key to the gun safe, they’ll just click the “next” button.

Jaye says if you have the money, hire a copywriter (ahem), but if not, her advice on DIY is spot on. 

Top Blurb No-Nos

Struggling with your blurb? Who isn't! Sometimes all you need is to go through and prune out the "blurb no-no's." Here are some of mine, in no particular order.

Fintoozler Syndrome*
Fantasy writers especially have trouble with Fintoozler Syndrome; it's when you have so many weird words in your blurb that no one has any idea what you're talking about. Made-up example:

When the Wizards of Z'mesdhal find the Slati'shfiker of Gromaldi, young Fergalush Hornshub is thrust into a desperate race to save the land of Dhariq'ween.

(Oh yeah, extra points for lots of apostrophes.) Here's a cleaned-up version of the above that tells the reader all s/he needs to know--and no more:

When a group of evil wizards finds a powerful stone, young Fergalush Hornshub must race against time to save his people.

Yeah, I know, it's not a great story, but I'm not writing a book here, I'm writing a blurb. ;)

Non-fantasy writers can also fall into this trap by throwing too many names and/or places at the reader all at once. Keep it simple. If we need to know a character's American, for example, we don't need to know what city s/he's from unless that's absolutely critical for understanding what the story's about.

*"Fintoozler" is a word the guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 used to use whenever they were throwing in a Dr Seuss reference. The More You Know.

Show Stoppers
These are words that will stop your blurb stone dead in its tracks. "However" and "unfortunately" are the big offenders. Never use them. "But" usually suffices. Read your blurb out loud; the Show Stoppers will pop out at you like whoa. No, I mean literally. Whoa.

Dependent Clauses
These almost fall under Show Stoppers. They stop your blurb dead in its tracks, all right, but they're a special kind of evil all their own. Don't get me wrong. I like a dependent clause as much as the next writer--sparingly and in its place. Blurbs are rarely that place. Made-up example:

Fergalush Hornshub, who works as a carpenter in the land of Dhariq'ween, which is under attack, is scared.

Nope. Try:

Carpenter Fergalush Hornshub is scared. His homeland is under attack.

Big Man Movie Voice
Any phrase the Big Man Movie Voice would say does not belong in your blurb. Examples:

In a world where wizards are evil...

Little did did Fergalush know...!

Fergalush's whole world is about to change!

Don't do that.

OMGWTFBBQ!!!1!
...which is my cute way of saying, don't use exclamation points in your blurb. Ever.

Speling Airs
Misspelled words in your blurb strangle your book sale in its cradle, and spell check is not enough. If the word is supposed to be "plane" and you write "plain," spell check will not pick it up. At the least have a good-spelling friend take a look for typos and misspellings.

Chattiness
Shorter is better, but don't go too short. Tell the reader what s/he needs to know, but don't get into back story or too much detail.

Tour Guide Voice
Don't list out your book's attributes like you're holding a mic in your hand, pointing to celebrity homes from an open air bus. The reader wants to make up his own mind about your book. Examples:

You'll meet plucky Fergalush Hornshub, the mysterious archer Alberor But'tquetok and the beautiful but angry thief Krathanoalogya Smith.

Come be enchanted by the fantastical land of Dhariq'ween!

It's a non-stop laugh riot!

Put down the mic, get off the bus.

In a world where these are some of the worst offenders... 
I reserve the right to add to this list later! :)

What are the big no-no's you've noticed?