New Before/After: The Bear Marches West

This was a one-shot (one going-over rather than a back-and-forth) for Russell Phillips, a longtime client who specializes in ebooks primarily aimed at military gamers. I love working with Russ, we've got a pretty good rapport going.

Here we worked on an alternate history scenario called The Bear Marches West. You'll note the alternate spelling of colour; the gentleman is British.

Before:

The Bear Marches West contains 12 scenarios set during a fictional Warsaw Pact invasion of West Germany during the 1980s. All the scenarios are based on battles depicted in well-known novels, and are designed to be used with whatever rules the players are most comfortable with. Each scenario includes the battle's context, weather conditions, deployments, force lists and a colour map. The scenarios range in scale from small skirmishes, with a company on each side, to large engagements, with Soviet regiments bearing down on smaller but better-equipped NATO units.

After:

NATO kept the Warsaw Pact behind the Berlin Wall until its dissolution--but what if it hadn't?

The Bear Marches West contains 12 gaming scenarios set during a fictional Warsaw Pact invasion of West Germany in the 1980s. All the scenarios are based on battles depicted in well-known novels, and are designed to be used with whatever rules the players wish.

Each scenario includes the battle's context, weather conditions, deployments, force lists and a colour map. The scenarios range in scale from small skirmishes, with a company on each side, to large engagements, with Soviet regiments bearing down on smaller but better-equipped NATO units.

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New One-Shot: Chelsea Cameron's NYT Best Seller "My Favorite Mistake"

Chelsea Cameron is a repeat customer like whoa. I'm currently working on our fifth book description together, and our first full-fledged collaboration. The previous four were one-shots, where I take a look at the current description, give it as good a shake as I can, ask a bunch of questions, point out weak spots and give the best advice I can to help the author finish the blurb themselves. Chelsea's always been a champ at finishing up a great blurb (scroll down into the earlier posts to find another one-shot I did with her).

My Favorite Mistake is the fourth one-shot I did for Chelsea. Imagine how happy I was for her when I got this email from Chelsea a couple of days ago:

I wanted to tell you that since we last talked, My Favorite Mistake (complete with the blurb you helped me write) has made the New York Times Best Seller list, as well as the USA Today Best Seller list! ...  I just wanted to thank you so much for all your help. I know this book wouldn't have been so successful without your help.

Thanks, Chelsea, it's always fun to work on a blurb with you! Here's the process Chelsea and I went through to get her blurb just how she wanted it.

Before:

Taylor Caldwell is angry, broken and afraid to love. She doesn't want to get burned.

Hunter Zaccadelli is cocky, charming and refuses to love. He's been burned before.

When she opens the door of her new campus apartment to meet her new roommate, Taylor isn't expecting Hunter. Within thirty seconds of their meeting, she knows she wants him gone ASAP. A boy like Hunter with his tattoos, guitar and constant sexual innuendos, is nothing but bad news. Especially when he starts turning up everywhere she goes.

The only problem is, Hunter's not leaving. Not without a fight. He manages to charm their two other roommates, Renee and Darah, but Taylor's not buying it. 

Then Hunter offers Taylor a proposition she can't refuse. If she can make him believe that she truly loves him, or truly hates him, he'll leave. As Taylor struggles to win the bet, she starts getting closer to Hunter and finds there's more to him than his devastating blue eyes and a mouth she can't decide if she wants to punch or kiss.

Hunter has a past, a dark one, but so does Taylor. When Taylor's secret threatens to resurface in her life, in the form of her older sister's ex-boyrfriend, she finds the one person who understands might be the first boy to ever set her heart on fire, and she might be the girl to help him realize love is not a lost cause.

Consultation, with existing/suggested wording in italics and my comments in plain text:

Taylor Caldwell can't decide if she wants to kiss her new college roommate or punch him.

On the one hand, Hunter Zaccadelli is a handsome, blue-eyed bundle of charm. On the other, he's a tattooed, guitar-playing bundle of bad boy. Maybe that's why Taylor's afraid of falling in love with him, or anyone else. She doesn't want to get burned, and even though her other roommates adore him she wants him gone before it's too late.

Hunter himself has been been burned before, but [something specific about Taylor other than her looks or in addition to them] makes him decide maybe love isn't a lost cause. They make a bet: if she can convince him she truly hates him, he'll leave the apartment--and leave her alone. The problem is, the more time they spend together, the less she hates him.

Problems with the last paragraph:

Hunter has a past, a dark one, but so does Taylor. When Taylor's secret threatens to resurface in her life, in the form of her older sister's ex-boyfriend, she finds the one person who understands might be the first boy to ever set her heart on fire, and she might be the girl to help him realize love is not a lost cause.

Dark pasts are cliche. Get a little more specific. What does the ex-boyfriend have to do with it? Start there and make the wording more active. Possibility, with assumptions you'll need to correct:

But when the man who holds the key to Taylor's fear of heartbreak resurfaces and threatens to wreck everything, she has to decide: trust Hunter with her greatest secret, or do everything in her power to win that bet and drive him away forever.

Remember, always make sure to answer these questions:

What does your protagonist have to do?

Why is she the only one who can do it?

What/who is standing in her way?

What happens if she doesn't succeed?

After:

Taylor Caldwell can't decide if she wants to kiss her new college roommate or punch him.

On the one hand, Hunter Zaccadelli is a handsome, blue-eyed bundle of charm. On the other, he's a tattooed, guitar-playing bundle of bad boy. Maybe that's why Taylor's afraid of falling in love with him, or anyone else. She doesn't want to get burned, and even though her other roommates adore him, she wants him gone before it's too late.

Hunter himself has been been burned before, but the fact that Taylor calls him out on his crap and has the sexiest laugh ever make him decide maybe love isn't a lost cause. They make a bet: if she can convince him she truly loves or hates him, he'll leave the apartment--and leave her alone. The problem is, the more time they spend together, the less she hates him, and the more she moves toward love.

But when the man who holds the key to Taylor's fear of giving up her heart resurfaces and threatens to wreck everything, she has to decide: trust Hunter with her greatest secret, or do everything in her power to win that bet and drive him away forever.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

New before/after: "Nocturnal"

Today's before/after is the first one-shot I've featured. The one-shot service is a thorough once-through of your blurb; I may be able to rewrite it, or depending on what you've given me I may only be able to make suggestions, give possible examples based on what I do know, and give you questions to answer.

This blurb is for Chelsea M. Cameron's book Nocturnal, the first of the three Noctalis Chronicles books. I did one-shots for all three of the books, and I'll be featuring them all here in coming days. This is the second blurb we've worked on together. After we finished this one, here's what Chelsea has to say about working with me:

Wahoo! Sooo much better. You're magical. ... The first blurb you did has been more effective than I ever could have dreamed.

Thanks, Chelsea!

For one-shots, I'm going to show you what the client gave me initially, what I sent back, and what the client eventually came up with. Things I put in [[brackets]] are questions I have or incomplete information the client needs to fill in.

Before

Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan isn't one for doing the expected. Especially when she finds out her mother's cancer is terminal. After a crying session in the local cemetery where she's attacked by one strange guy and saved by another, she doesn't call the cops. Because those guys definitely weren't your average hooligans. 

And the one who sort-of saved her? Well, he's odd. He doesn't seem to breathe or smile or have anything better to do than wait in the cemetery for Ava to come back, which she does. Morbid curiosity? Even after he warns her that he's dangerous, she can't stop wanting to see him, talk to him, be with him.

There's just something about Peter that provides a much-needed escape from her mother's diagnosis and her tenuous relationship with her father. Her best friends, Jamie and Texas, don't know what it's like to face death. Peter does; he already has. But a promise he made a long time ago could destroy both of them.

When everything in your life is falling apart, what are you willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever?


One-Shot Consultation
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead.

Peter [[last name?]] saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava-Claire can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again--even after he warns her against himself, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her [[whenever/every night]] she comes to the cemetery. 

But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava-Claire has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.


After
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead. 

 Peter Hart saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again - even after he warns her he's dangerous, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her the next night she comes to the cemetery, and the next... 

 But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!