New Before/After: Path Unchosen

This blurb is for Kim Cleary's book, Path Unchosen, the first in her Daughter of Ravenswood series. Here's what we came up with together. It's a little different than when I left it with Kim; she's put her own spin on the final product.

Before:

Some things make us stronger.

After growing up in an orphanage, eighteen year old Judy Hudson yearns for freedom. She is shocked to discover she is a witch, but willingly starts a journey of self discovery with Purah, her enchanting tutor. 

With growing horror Judy watches frightened townspeople burn a zombie victim, she decides to find who is raising the dead and stop them. She used to hide from conflict, but now- with the help of a ghost, an imp and a dragon - Judy has to uncover secrets to protect her independence. What she finds hardens her resolve to make new choices and take decisive action. 

It takes courage, commitment and extreme determination to find her place in the world, but in the end will it bring what she most craves?

After:

When eighteen-year-old Judy Hudson discovers she’s a necromancer and sees first-hand the pain her powers can cause the dead, she just wants to deny who she is. The zombie plague is long over. She wants to find a more normal life, but that's a challenge when a beautiful otherworldly man, who claims to be her guardian, saves her life.

Judy tries to set right the harm she inflicted on a spirit she raised, but new zombies attack—zombies raised from among the long-time dead. Someone else just like her is out there, and he's not trying to set anything right. To save her own life, and protect the innocent inhabitants of the nearby town who’ve become her friends, Judy has to figure out who’s raising the dead and why. She must also learn to control the darkness inside her—a seductive darkness that promises her power beyond her wildest dreams.

~~~

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New Before/After: The Bear Marches West

This was a one-shot (one going-over rather than a back-and-forth) for Russell Phillips, a longtime client who specializes in ebooks primarily aimed at military gamers. I love working with Russ, we've got a pretty good rapport going.

Here we worked on an alternate history scenario called The Bear Marches West. You'll note the alternate spelling of colour; the gentleman is British.

Before:

The Bear Marches West contains 12 scenarios set during a fictional Warsaw Pact invasion of West Germany during the 1980s. All the scenarios are based on battles depicted in well-known novels, and are designed to be used with whatever rules the players are most comfortable with. Each scenario includes the battle's context, weather conditions, deployments, force lists and a colour map. The scenarios range in scale from small skirmishes, with a company on each side, to large engagements, with Soviet regiments bearing down on smaller but better-equipped NATO units.

After:

NATO kept the Warsaw Pact behind the Berlin Wall until its dissolution--but what if it hadn't?

The Bear Marches West contains 12 gaming scenarios set during a fictional Warsaw Pact invasion of West Germany in the 1980s. All the scenarios are based on battles depicted in well-known novels, and are designed to be used with whatever rules the players wish.

Each scenario includes the battle's context, weather conditions, deployments, force lists and a colour map. The scenarios range in scale from small skirmishes, with a company on each side, to large engagements, with Soviet regiments bearing down on smaller but better-equipped NATO units.

---

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New One-Shot: Chelsea Cameron's NYT Best Seller "My Favorite Mistake"

Chelsea Cameron is a repeat customer like whoa. I'm currently working on our fifth book description together, and our first full-fledged collaboration. The previous four were one-shots, where I take a look at the current description, give it as good a shake as I can, ask a bunch of questions, point out weak spots and give the best advice I can to help the author finish the blurb themselves. Chelsea's always been a champ at finishing up a great blurb (scroll down into the earlier posts to find another one-shot I did with her).

My Favorite Mistake is the fourth one-shot I did for Chelsea. Imagine how happy I was for her when I got this email from Chelsea a couple of days ago:

I wanted to tell you that since we last talked, My Favorite Mistake (complete with the blurb you helped me write) has made the New York Times Best Seller list, as well as the USA Today Best Seller list! ...  I just wanted to thank you so much for all your help. I know this book wouldn't have been so successful without your help.

Thanks, Chelsea, it's always fun to work on a blurb with you! Here's the process Chelsea and I went through to get her blurb just how she wanted it.

Before:

Taylor Caldwell is angry, broken and afraid to love. She doesn't want to get burned.

Hunter Zaccadelli is cocky, charming and refuses to love. He's been burned before.

When she opens the door of her new campus apartment to meet her new roommate, Taylor isn't expecting Hunter. Within thirty seconds of their meeting, she knows she wants him gone ASAP. A boy like Hunter with his tattoos, guitar and constant sexual innuendos, is nothing but bad news. Especially when he starts turning up everywhere she goes.

The only problem is, Hunter's not leaving. Not without a fight. He manages to charm their two other roommates, Renee and Darah, but Taylor's not buying it. 

Then Hunter offers Taylor a proposition she can't refuse. If she can make him believe that she truly loves him, or truly hates him, he'll leave. As Taylor struggles to win the bet, she starts getting closer to Hunter and finds there's more to him than his devastating blue eyes and a mouth she can't decide if she wants to punch or kiss.

Hunter has a past, a dark one, but so does Taylor. When Taylor's secret threatens to resurface in her life, in the form of her older sister's ex-boyrfriend, she finds the one person who understands might be the first boy to ever set her heart on fire, and she might be the girl to help him realize love is not a lost cause.

Consultation, with existing/suggested wording in italics and my comments in plain text:

Taylor Caldwell can't decide if she wants to kiss her new college roommate or punch him.

On the one hand, Hunter Zaccadelli is a handsome, blue-eyed bundle of charm. On the other, he's a tattooed, guitar-playing bundle of bad boy. Maybe that's why Taylor's afraid of falling in love with him, or anyone else. She doesn't want to get burned, and even though her other roommates adore him she wants him gone before it's too late.

Hunter himself has been been burned before, but [something specific about Taylor other than her looks or in addition to them] makes him decide maybe love isn't a lost cause. They make a bet: if she can convince him she truly hates him, he'll leave the apartment--and leave her alone. The problem is, the more time they spend together, the less she hates him.

Problems with the last paragraph:

Hunter has a past, a dark one, but so does Taylor. When Taylor's secret threatens to resurface in her life, in the form of her older sister's ex-boyfriend, she finds the one person who understands might be the first boy to ever set her heart on fire, and she might be the girl to help him realize love is not a lost cause.

Dark pasts are cliche. Get a little more specific. What does the ex-boyfriend have to do with it? Start there and make the wording more active. Possibility, with assumptions you'll need to correct:

But when the man who holds the key to Taylor's fear of heartbreak resurfaces and threatens to wreck everything, she has to decide: trust Hunter with her greatest secret, or do everything in her power to win that bet and drive him away forever.

Remember, always make sure to answer these questions:

What does your protagonist have to do?

Why is she the only one who can do it?

What/who is standing in her way?

What happens if she doesn't succeed?

After:

Taylor Caldwell can't decide if she wants to kiss her new college roommate or punch him.

On the one hand, Hunter Zaccadelli is a handsome, blue-eyed bundle of charm. On the other, he's a tattooed, guitar-playing bundle of bad boy. Maybe that's why Taylor's afraid of falling in love with him, or anyone else. She doesn't want to get burned, and even though her other roommates adore him, she wants him gone before it's too late.

Hunter himself has been been burned before, but the fact that Taylor calls him out on his crap and has the sexiest laugh ever make him decide maybe love isn't a lost cause. They make a bet: if she can convince him she truly loves or hates him, he'll leave the apartment--and leave her alone. The problem is, the more time they spend together, the less she hates him, and the more she moves toward love.

But when the man who holds the key to Taylor's fear of giving up her heart resurfaces and threatens to wreck everything, she has to decide: trust Hunter with her greatest secret, or do everything in her power to win that bet and drive him away forever.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

New Before/After: "Myth Weaver"

Today's before/after is David J. Normoyle's Myth Weaver.

Before:

The Norse and Greek mythologies are about to collide and Jagger is stuck in the middle.

"A must read for anyone fascinated with the legends and myths of old."

When Jagger's daydream world becomes a battleground for Odin and Zeus, the edges of reality begin to blur. A contest of myths is formed where Norse is pitted against Greek. Jagger is Perseus as he cuts off Medusa's head and Loki as he schemes against Thor and the other gods. And that's nothing to what he faces in his first year in university. Can ancient truths help Jagger in the real world?

"The retelling of the stories of the gods are cleverly intertwined with a student's own quest with coping with life."

A young adult fantasy novel.

After:

Eighteen-year-old Jagger Burns lives so much in his head that his guardian wonders if she should commit him. In the real world, he's shy, he's an orphan and he's just failed his college exams. His imaginary world feels safer. When he enrolls in a mythology class, Greek and Norse myths fill Jagger's daydreams; they become so real that Zeus's thunderbolts leave phantom burns behind. These gods have ideas of their own; they're guiding Jagger back to reality.

Each myth he relives in his imaginary world teaches Jagger more about living in the real world. With Loki and Prometheus to help him, he begins to re-enter life and gets a job on the student newspaper. But when his reporting uncovers a dangerous crime ring, he'll need everything the gods can teach him to survive. Otherwise, he'll either dream away the rest of his life in an institution, or wind up dead.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

New Before/After: "Land of Myth (The Dragon Wars Saga)

Today's before/after is Becka Sutton's first book in the Dragon Wars Saga series, Land of Myth.

Before:

Weird events have beset the Stevens Quadruplets since infancy. But nothing can prepare them for the day they open their door and find another world outside. A world inhabited by intelligent mythical creatures, most of whom are hostile to humanity. And it seems they are expected to save it from its ancient enemy – the dragons.

Even with the help of their bonded ‘heart friends’ can they save both this strange, new world and Earth when the people they are trying to help want to kill them?

After:

The four Stevens kids have been odd since birth; they're quadruplets, after all. But that's only the beginning. Lydia is pyrokinetic. Karen has dangerous gaps in her memory. Daniel is hiding something dark and sinister from the others. And cryokinetic Andrew is obsessed with the paranormal for a reason: monsters have chased them, showers have turned to blood, and roads sometimes don't lead where they should.

Perhaps they should have expected it when three of them open a door and find another world beyond it.

Dragons threaten this world, where almost every inhabitant--every mythical creature Earth's peoples think they've dreamed up--hates humanity. Even so, Karen, Andrew and Lydia discover three creatures who love them have been waiting there. Through a mystical bond, these "heart friends" can access the quads' powers and fight the dragons. But powerful forces are trying to keep the kids and their heart friends apart--and if they succeed, it spells disaster for both Earth and the world beyond the door.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

New before/after: "Nocturnal"

Today's before/after is the first one-shot I've featured. The one-shot service is a thorough once-through of your blurb; I may be able to rewrite it, or depending on what you've given me I may only be able to make suggestions, give possible examples based on what I do know, and give you questions to answer.

This blurb is for Chelsea M. Cameron's book Nocturnal, the first of the three Noctalis Chronicles books. I did one-shots for all three of the books, and I'll be featuring them all here in coming days. This is the second blurb we've worked on together. After we finished this one, here's what Chelsea has to say about working with me:

Wahoo! Sooo much better. You're magical. ... The first blurb you did has been more effective than I ever could have dreamed.

Thanks, Chelsea!

For one-shots, I'm going to show you what the client gave me initially, what I sent back, and what the client eventually came up with. Things I put in [[brackets]] are questions I have or incomplete information the client needs to fill in.

Before

Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan isn't one for doing the expected. Especially when she finds out her mother's cancer is terminal. After a crying session in the local cemetery where she's attacked by one strange guy and saved by another, she doesn't call the cops. Because those guys definitely weren't your average hooligans. 

And the one who sort-of saved her? Well, he's odd. He doesn't seem to breathe or smile or have anything better to do than wait in the cemetery for Ava to come back, which she does. Morbid curiosity? Even after he warns her that he's dangerous, she can't stop wanting to see him, talk to him, be with him.

There's just something about Peter that provides a much-needed escape from her mother's diagnosis and her tenuous relationship with her father. Her best friends, Jamie and Texas, don't know what it's like to face death. Peter does; he already has. But a promise he made a long time ago could destroy both of them.

When everything in your life is falling apart, what are you willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever?


One-Shot Consultation
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead.

Peter [[last name?]] saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava-Claire can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again--even after he warns her against himself, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her [[whenever/every night]] she comes to the cemetery. 

But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava-Claire has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.


After
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead. 

 Peter Hart saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again - even after he warns her he's dangerous, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her the next night she comes to the cemetery, and the next... 

 But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

New Before/After: Feels Like the First Time

Today's before/after is Shawn Inmon's Feels Like the First Time, a true love story set in the '70s and the modern day.

Before:

September, 1975: Shawn meets Dawn, his one true love, when she moves into the vacant house next door.  Many people spend their life searching in vain for happiness, but he was lucky; finding it at the age of fifteen.

February 1979: Forbidden to see each other and feeling he is harming her by being in her life, he walks away from the love of his life, seemingly forever.

December, 2006: After decades of sadness and mourning the girl that got away, he has a chance meeting with her that might change his life forever… again. Can the sweet bond of first love not only survive, but flourish?

Feels Like the First Time lets you share in the magic of young love in small town America in the 1970s.  No matter how much the world changes, some things – timeless music, high school dances, making out in the backseat of a Chevy Vega, and of course true love – will always remain the same.

After:

His name was Shawn, hers was Dawn, and when they found one another in 1975 they knew it was forever--even though they were only 15. But they have only four years together until they're forbidden to see one another. Shawn walks away from their small town, convinced he's nothing but trouble for the love of his life.

Decades pass, and Shawn never forgets her. When he runs into Dawn out of the blue, they must discover whether it really can feel like the first time--or whether true love only happens in the songs of their youth. 

I'd love to help you with your blurb!