New before/after: "The Fallen"

I like to keep this blog transparent, and so I present the failures as well as the wins. Sometimes clients and I don't agree on what's going to work. That's entirely the client's prerogative. It's the author's book, and it's the author's right to represent it the way s/he thinks it should be represented.

With that, here's today's before/after, E.S. Lark's "The Fallen," a prequel in her Wynrith series. I'm giving you the original version, my reworked version, and the version Ms Lark eventually wrote and used. Her version isn't wrong; it's just not mine. (Note: My version has missing info in brackets; we never got to that point in our back-and-forth.)

Before:
Acanit knows he’s different; the elders made sure of it shortly after his birth. From his ebony coat and misshaped form to the spikes running down the middle of his back, Acanit’s every bit a hardian—a demon as they claim. And while he still has the love of his parents, the clan cannot possibly feed a creature that’s unable to fit within one of their homes.

Tasked with an impossible hunt if he wishes to stay, Acanit considers what life would be like beyond the borders of his village. But when creatures much like himself steal him away from the only family he’s ever known, Acanit learns his blood is more valuable than all of their lives combined. Bred as part of an experiment, Acanit’s the only one of his kind—shaped by two clans, neither of which he belongs to. If the other clans were to get wind of the power that lies within his bloodstream, they could easily use him to start a war. And there are others who are after him for this very reason. Tracked by the Endarkened, Acanit must decide between running to save his own life or sacrificing himself for those he loves.

No matter what path he takes, his decision will change the face of Wynrith forever.

My After:
Acanit wishes he looked like the rest of his village. Their feathers and fur are brown, and they stand on two legs. Acanit's pelt is black, he stands on all fours, and wicked spikes march down his back--he looks like a demon. The villagers have shunned him all his short life.

When creatures more like him steal him from his village, Acanit discovers why they're different: they're genetic experiments sought after by the Endarkened, a race of beings out to conquer the world of Wynrith. Acanit is the "experiment" the Endarkened want most. Every part of him seems made for war--except his peaceful soul. Acanit runs from them, only to run straight into love when he meets [[name of mate]].

The Endarkened make him an impossible offer: if he joins them, he'll be forced to become the greatest weapon on Wynrith, and spawn more of his kind. But if he refuses, [[name of mate]] will die. Acanit must choose: betray his planet, or betray his love.

E.S. Lark's After:
Acanit wants nothing more than to belong with those of his clan, but their bipedal, birdlike forms are in stark contrast to his own. From his ebony coat to the spines on his back as he walks on all fours, everything about Acanit screams hardian—demon. Shunned by his kin shortly after birth, Acanit’s only ever known the life of an outsider.

But when a clan of look-alikes steal him away from his home, he learns that fitting in has its price. As part of an ongoing experiment between his kin and his scale covered clones, Acanit is sought after by the Endarkened, who if given the chance, will use his blood as a weapon of war.

Should they ever find him, they’ll make him an impossible offer—join them and watch his kind die by his own hand or die in their place.

Acanit must choose: sacrifice himself and remain loyal to his kin or betray all of Wynrith.


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New before/after: "Thieves at Heart"

Full disclosure: The author is a personal friend.

Today's before/after is Tristan J. Tarwater's "Thieves at Heart," the first book in her "Valley of Ten Crescents" series. I've actually read this one. That made working with Tris different; I didn't have to ask her any questions! And I know how good the book is (very). About working with me, Tris says, "*sound of you nailing it.*" :)

Here's what we did:

Before:
Tavera has grown up an outsider. A half-elf in a land of humans, she finds herself dragged through various jobs for other people’s benefit and used for their gain. When a thief named Derk plucks her from her latest job she expects more of the same from the cunning rogue, but instead finds direction, guidance and protection for the first time in her life. Her pa belongs to a group called The Cup of Cream, a group of elite thieves, scoundrels and other sorts who seek not only personal gain but to keep balance in the Valley. To join their ranks would please her father and give Tavera the acceptance she’s been seeking all her life. When the unthinkable happens, she is forced to wonder if the Cup sees her as just another tool their sleeve, or if they under-stand she is an individual with her own desires, whose heart beats faster with every take. When she needs them most, with they be there for her? She’s about to find out.

After:
Tavera is a half-elf child in a land of humans, an outsider dragged from bad to worse--until Derk whisks her away and adopts her as his own. Tavera soon finds out her new Pa is a master thief, a member of a secret, elite group of professional scoundrels called the Cup of Cream. Outlaws, yes, but they have their pride; thievery is as necessary as any other profession in the Valley of Ten Crescents.

To Derk's--and her own--delight, Tavera grows into a natural thief and works her way toward membership in the Cup. An invitation would finally give her a place to belong, and it would please the father she loves so much.

But being a thief means being only one step ahead of the law. When the law finally catches up, Tavera must choose: go against her Pa's wishes for the sake of loyalty and love; or obey him, break her heart and survive.


Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "Double-Take Tales"

Today's before/after is short and sweet, like the three stories in the collection "Double-Take Tales" by Donna Brown. Come to think on it, they're not all that sweet! Donna is a repeat client; I doctored her husband David's book Fezariu's Ephiphany.

This time around, Donna says, "Love it!  I'm sure I've told you before but you're a blurb genius!" Thanks, Donna. I don't know about "genius," but I'm always happy when clients like what I've done enough to hire me again--and again; I've got another David Brown book in my queue right this minute. :) Here's what we did:

Before:
Three short stories to make you think...

Round Trip: 24 hours in the lives of ordinary people - some facing extraordinary events - and all linked by one £5 note

Poison: A wife discovers that revenge is a dish best served slowly

C'est la vie: What will you learn when you eavesdrop on a murder investigation? 

After:
Three dark, sardonic short stories that will have you expecting the unexpected:

In "Poison," a psychologically abused wife discovers that her husband's nut allergy may be the solution to all her problems.
 
In "Round Trip," a five pound note passes through desperate hands, greedy hands and tired hands before coming full circle…accompanied by a big surprise.
 
In "Ç'est La Vie," the police bungle a murder investigation under the watchful eye of someone uncomfortably close to the killing.


Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after "A Fleet in Being"

Today's before/after is Russell Phillips's "A Fleet in Being," a short history of perhaps the oddest navy in World War I. Russ is one of my few non-fiction clients, and one of a growing number of repeat customers. Here's what Russ has to say about this go-round:

"This one seemed more difficult than A Damn Close-Run Thing, but that's probably at least partly because I didn't really have a blurb to start with - I just came up blank whenever I tried to write a blurb for it. I was impressed and pleased that you used Wikipedia to get an idea of the subject matter.

"One thing that struck me with both was that you wait for me to say that I'm happy with it. It seemed to take a lot of work this time, but I always had the impression that you were going to keep working until I was happy with the result. It's always good to work with someone that wants the customer to be happy."

Thanks, Russ! It's always good to work with clients who actually enjoy doing the work. This was harder than "A Damn Close-Run Thing." I knew less about the subject matter, hence resorting to Wikipedia. :)

Here's what we came up with.

Before:
During WWI, the Austro-Hungarian navy (Kaiserliche und Königliche Kriegsmarine: Imperial and Royal War Fleet) epitomised the concept of a "fleet in being". The large ships rarely left port, and were never involved in a major battle. The Allies, unable to ignore the presence of a small but powerful fleet in the Adriatic, were forced to maintain a significant presence in the area.

Illustrated with over twenty photographs and drawings, this book provides a comprehensive and detailed listing of the ships that made up the KuK Kriegsmarine. It also includes a short description of the navy and its operations, as well as the unique problems that were faced by this small and unusual fleet.

After:
The Kaiserliche und Königliche Kriegsmarine--The Austro-Hungarian Navy--was in at the beginning of World War I when Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie lay in state abord its flagship, and at the end when it dissolved along with the empire that commanded it. During the war, this small but powerful "fleet-in-being" forced the Allies to maintain a significant blockade presence, allowing German and Austro-Hungarian u-boats to run riot elsewhere in the Mediterranean even though its capital ships almost never left port.

Illustrated with thirty photographs and drawings, this book provides a comprehensive and detailed listing of the ships that made up the KuK Kriegsmarine, its operations, and the unique problems this unusual fleet faced, from contentious duelling parliaments to ships built by landlocked Hungary.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "The Master's Chair"

Today's before/after is "The Master's Chair," a fantasy adventure from Mackenzie Morgan and the first book in the series "The Chronicles of Terah."

The biggest problem here was...bigness. :) When you're writing your blurb, watch out that you don't get too involved in back story. Keep it short, but not too short. Stick to what the reader absolutely needs to know to understand your story. Everything else is extraneous.

Here's what Mackenzie and I did. (My biggest problem writing this one is that I consistently misspell "sorcerer" as "sorceror.")

Before:
Since the beginning of time, two sister worlds, Earth and Terah, have coexisted in different planes, surrounded by an immense field of energy. Long ago, magical and non-magical creatures lived together in harmony on both worlds, but as life on Earth evolved in the direction of science and technology, the use of magic deteriorated and soon magical creatures and sorcerers became the subject of myths and legends. Meanwhile magic flourished on Terah, and as sorcerers became more powerful, they became more influential, and soon they were the heads of government. The Council of Sorcerers became the ruling body, with the chairman, the Master Sorcerer, the highest human-held position on Terah.

When Master Sorcerer Badec realizes that his unborn son, Myron, will be his one and only heir, he protects the child from his enemies by arranging for him to grow up on Earth. Myron is scheduled to be returned to Terah on his twenty-fifth birthday, at which time he’ll learn who he is and begin to study magic as well as everything else he’ll need to know in order to assume his role as Terah's next Master Sorcerer

For twenty-three years, things go as planned, and Myron goes about his life as Kevin, a typical nerd, who is more comfortable with computers than with people. Then Badec becomes quite ill and the decision is made to bring his son home early.

One morning Kevin is an accountant living and working in Omaha, and the next he is in the middle of a field with six complete strangers, surrounded by huge stones and a forest. Before the day is out, Kevin learns that he is actually a sorcerer named Myron and that he’s next in line for the Master’s Chair. While he’s still reeling from that bit of information, he finds out that due to his father’s illness, he has a little less than one year to learn enough about sorcery to be able to defend his life and chair against sorcerers who have been practicing their craft longer than he’s been alive.

Welcome to Terah.

To read more about The Chronicles of Terah, go to www.mcknzmorgan.com.

After:
Badec is the most powerful sorcerer on the parallel world of Terah. But the position of Master Sorcerer comes with many enemies, so many that when his only son and heir is born he sends the baby to be raised on Earth.

His son Kevin grows up to be a nerdy accountant, more comfortable with computers than people. So when he suddenly finds himself transported to Terah, where magic is the norm and technology is unknown, it's a bit of a shock. A bigger shock: Kevin discovers Badec is his father, and that he's a sorcerer himself.

But Badec is dying. Kevin has less than a year to learn everything he needs to know to take the Master Sorcerer's place. If he doesn't, he may lose both the Master's Chair and his life.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "Ashlyn's Radio"

Today's before/after is Norah Wilson and Heather Doherty's "Ashlyn's Radio," a bang-up YA supernatural. Heather and Norah are putting the book out in paperback and took the opportunity to spruce up the blurb.

Here's what Wilson/Doherty and I did.

Before:  
When her mother is hospitalized after a mental breakdown, Ashlyn is crushed to have to leave Toronto to go live with her grandmother in Prescott Junction, Maine, where nothing happens. Nothing except for the ghost train that rolls through on the rusted lines on dark nights – the one the townsfolk pretend not to hear as it comes to claim troubled, lost souls. Ashlyn scoffs at the idea ... until she witnesses it herself, with its evil, seductive conductor and the wailing of souls trapped on board. The string of unexplained deaths by the tracks throughout the village's history (Ashlyn's father included, before she was even born) lends credence to the tale. As frightened as she is at the conductor’s pull, more terror awaits when the antique radio in her grandmother’s basement comes to life. Ashlyn’s grandmother tells her the radio is a Caverhill curse, and can’t be destroyed or discarded. It keeps coming back, and it keeps broadcasting "reports" of events yet to happen. Her grandmother begs her to stay away from the radio, but Ashlyn cannot help but listen. And to her horror, it tells her she is bound to board the ghost train. Ashlyn will need the help of her newfound friends – the troubled Rachel and the very sexy Caden – if she is going to get through the coming horrors with her sanity intact and her soul unclaimed. 

After:  
Ashlyn Caverhill has left behind her senior year of high school to live with her grandmother, and she's not happy about it. Small-town Maine has nothing on Toronto. But her mother is ill, and there's nowhere else to go. Even though it contains one Caden Williams--the hottest guy she's ever seen--Ashlyn thinks Prescott Junction is the deadest place ever.

She may be right. A lot of people seem to die mysteriously down by the long-abandoned train tracks. Her own father died there before she was born. The townspeople whisper about a ghost train that comes for the souls of Prescott Junction's most troubled and vulnerable. Ashlyn scoffs until one night she sees the train and its ghoulish conductor, who nearly coaxes her on board.

Ashlyn's fear grows when she finds an old radio that haunts the Caverhill family. They've thrown it out. It comes back. They've buried it. It comes back. They've sunk it in the lake, and still it comes back. Even though it's never plugged in, the radio broadcasts stories of future events that always come to pass. Imagine Ashlyn's horror when the radio's top story is "Ashlyn Caverhill boards the ghost train." Now she must rely on the help of Caden and her new friend Rachel to escape the radio's curse and stop the ghost train before she's forced to ride it forever.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

New before/after: "One Insular Tahiti"

Today's book is Thea Atkinson's "One Insular Tahiti." This is a non-linear novel, and that made it a little harder to get  a handle on it. Here's what Thea and I did.

Before:
Luke's death has come the way he always feared it would: in the claustrophobic, underground heat of a Cape Breton coal mine. He had suspected it would end this way, had embraced it even, so while his body is buried, his soul settles into a watery existence of endless waiting.

Soon, something changes in his personal purgatory; all is not quiet the way it was when he first realized he was dead. Now a wind howls and storm seas bring waves of half remembered events from his past life that are so terrible he will do anything to avoid reliving them: images of war and abuse and of a favored brother spoiled by disease.

He needs to find a way out.

This is when he notices Astrid, a newborn fighting for her life. She isn't supposed to survive her birth, but if he can just will her to be his mother, he can save her and escape the anguish of this terrible supposed insular Tahiti.

Too late, Luke realizes that the connection that binds him to Astrid is the same inevitable battle of memories he left his purgatory to forget. Now he must endure the replay of horrific images that will ultimately change his soul and Astrid's forever.

One Insular Tahiti is a nonlinear tale of one soul's search for redemption and the lengths the human spirit will go to find peace.

After:
Luke MacIsaac is dead, and not restfully dead. He'd always expected he'd die in the claustrophobic, underground heat of a Cape Breton coal mine. He'd even embraced it as his soul settled into a watery existence of endless waiting.

But in short order the placid waters of his afterlife turn to rolling seas of time and memory as his violent past plays out again for him. Images of war, childhood abuse, and the tortured life of a brother he loved and failed inundate him. More than anything, he wants to escape.

In his confusion and pain, he senses a kindred spirit in Astrid, a newborn struggling to stay alive. Luke helps her in hopes she may one day be the one who brings him out of his purgatory and into a new incarnation. He discovers too late that Astrid's soul is linked to his hellish past life. Now he must experience all the anguish they went through together, and watch helplessly as Astrid goes through sorrows of her own, before the two of them can finally meet in this world and find peace together.

By the way, I didn't know what "insular Tahiti" meant. It's a reference to Moby Dick:

"For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half known life. God keep thee! Push not off from that isle, thou canst never return!"

The more you know. :)

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.