Before/after: "Tangled Ties to a Manatee"

Today's before/after is Kalen Capp's "Tangled Ties to a Manatee," and boy, this was a toughie! Kalen and I really worked hard on this one. His novel is from multiple points of view, and when he says "tangled," he means it. We're talking cast of thousands and intersecting plot lines, all of it coming back to that manatee. (Sounds like one of my books, except for the manatee part.)

Anyway, here's what we came up with together:

Before:

Though having little in common, Cecily and Janelle, two college coeds, become fast friends while negotiating teacher crushes, exams, working, and dealing with Vera, a tarot-reading obsessed nonprofit executive. Vera’s more worried about her Environmental Retreat Center, which is being secretly investigated as a cult, than she is about her missing nephew, Jerry, a developmentally disabled young man who works at a coffee shop the coeds frequent.

After stumbling upon two con men’s headquarters, Jerry is held captive by them. They are working on the biggest scam of their lives. The scam impacts everyone nearby, including Jerry’s favorite animal at Grove City zoo, Ankh, the lone pregnant manatee in Ohio.

By helping Vera, have Cecily and Janelle become involved in the goings on of a cult, or is there something more explosive involved in the electrical grid’s sabotaging scheme Jerry’s captors have initiated? Either way, the girls and their friends all find they have tangled ties to a pregnant manatee in danger.

Tangled Ties to a Manatee is a multiple-POV General Fiction work of 106,000 words. The frequent reader who appreciates an interwoven storyline will enjoy this eco-themed novel. A small number of protagonists interact among friends, family, and acquaintances within a metropolitan community. The crisp dialogue provides for a down-to-earth interplay of new adults and other characters as relationships begin, deepen, and shatter over an extended weekend. This quick-paced read unfolds with a choreographed ensemble of characters while story threads stretch and interweave to a denouement that ultimately connects all involved.


After:

A pregnant manatee is rare at any zoo, and a first for the Grove City Zoo in Ohio. Ankh is a delight to zoo patrons, a concern to its staff, and the unintentional victim of two con men. She has no idea how many human relationships, problems, and dreams tangle around her.

Jerry is a young developmentally disabled man who happily follows Ankh's pregnancy on the zoo's webcam. He has a shy crush on Janelle, a pretty college student who volunteers for his group home’s outings to the zoo.

Jerry's Aunt Vera also loves nature and runs an environmental retreat center. But all is not well, with Vera or the center. The center needs money and is under investigation as a cult.

Amid their college studies, Janelle and her friend Cecily try to help. Instead, Janelle re-awakens an old obsession in Vera when an innocent tarot reading hints at how the center might be saved.

Two bumbling con men are attempting to sabotage the region’s electrical grid as part of a lucrative scheme. But Jerry accidentally gets in their way and becomes their captive.

When the con men surprisingly succeed in bringing the grid down, it spells danger for Ankh, her unborn pup, and the many people tied to them both. With investigations of their own, Cecily and Janelle try to untangle it all to find Jerry, save a manatee’s life, and rescue Vera from herself.

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Two more blurbs of mine own: "The Mage's Toy" and "The Amber Cross"

Here are a couple of blurbs I wrote for myself. These books are in a series called Aria Afton Presents, a line of stand-alone fantasy erotic novellas. The first, for the book The Mage's Toy:

Runaway Jennia Wick has to marry her childhood sweetheart to escape a bad apprenticeship--if she can find him. Traveling mage Antony Onyx is bitter after a former lover took both his money and half his lifetime store of magic. But when they meet on the road, their instant attraction cracks his cynicism and her resolve.

Even though Antony has vowed never to be vulnerable again, he can't bring himself to let Jennia be re-captured. He offers to hide her, but only if she helps sell his sex charms, enchanted toys that can satisfy any desire. He tells himself it'll be just like all his other models--strictly business. Even though she's already fallen for Antony, Jennia is determined to find her childhood love and agrees.<

But Antony's toys only ignite their desire for one another. Passion may prove more than the mage and the runaway can resist, but when Antony finds Jennia's sweetheart, he must make a choice that could lead to happiness for her--and catastrophe for himself.

This is a DRM-free erotic romance novella.

The second is for The Amber Cross, a Jane Austen mashup--I know, but all the cool kids are doing it! :D

Glamorous siblings Henry and Mary Crawford have captivated the Bertrams of Mansfield Park. Sisters Maria and Julia compete for Henry's attention. Their brother Edmund falls hard for Mary.

The one exception is the Bertrams' shy cousin, Fanny Price. Penniless, plain and raised to believe she has little worth, Fanny has long accepted that Edmund will never love her as she loves him. He will marry another--just let it not be a girl like Mary Crawford!

But when Fanny's seafaring brother gives her an ancient amber cross, the talisman reveals to her what kind of girl Mary Crawford really is. She and her brother are succubi, out to seduce the Bertrams and consume their life force--and Henry Crawford has decided Fanny is the most delicious of them all. Timid Fanny must find the strength to resist Henry's seductive powers if she is to save her own life and that of her beloved Edmund.

A paranormal erotica mashup of Jane Austen's "Mansfield Park," "The Amber Cross" originally appeared in the Circlet Press anthology "Sense and Sensuality."


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A before/after of mine own: "Son in Sorrow"

Today's before/after is one of my own--the second book in my Intimate History series, Son in Sorrow. I don't have a blurb doctor I can turn to, so I turned to Kindleboards.com for feedback. Here's what we did together:

Before:

Two years ago, Prince Temmin risked everything when he took Supplicancy in the Lovers' Temple. His father opposed him, swearing it would fulfill a prophecy signalling the end of the monarchy. For his disobedience, Temmin is now estranged from his family.

He's beginning to wonder if he made the right choice. Temple life is filled with love both physical and spiritual. But exclusive, possessive love is forbidden and Temmin's love is the most forbidden of all: Allis, the human host of the goddess Neya. Temmin knows he must conquer his emotions or face the potentially deadly fury of the Lovers, but his own need and pride stand in his way.

Then a murder strikes at Temmin's very soul. He turns for help to the magic book of his ancestors, searching for answers to his desire for revenge, and for a woman he mustn't love.

Set in a Victorianesque world of magic, sexuality, political intrigue and military conquest, Son in Sorrow is the second book in the epic fantasy series An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom.

After:

Prince Temmin incurred his father's wrath when he took Supplicancy in the Lovers' Temple; his devotion to the Gods outweighed his father's rage. Now he faces a greater challenge: his forbidden love for Allis, the human host of the goddess Neya. If he doesn't conquer his emotions, he may bring the Lovers' deadly fury down on them both--but pride and desire stand in his way. When a murder rips his greatest support from him, Temmin turns to the magic book of his ancestors to find answers to his need both for revenge and for a woman he must not love.

All the while, enemies inside and outside the kingdom are plotting against the monarchy, and the gods prove once again they are no one's friends.

Set in a Victorianesque world of magic, sexuality, political intrigue and military conquest, Son in Sorrow is the second book in the epic fantasy series An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom.

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New before/after: "Before the Daisies Grow"

Today's before/after is Micki Street's comic romance, "Before the Daisies Grow," which, by the way, is free today at Amazon! Here's what we did together.

Before:

Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.

Dotty, Wilma and Nora accept Lucas’s invitation to holiday on the island of Brazzina, but have no idea of the dangers they face. Unbeknown to them, he is a drug baron with an ulterior motive.

A chance meeting with Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman, has Dotty’s hormones doing the tango. Sadly for her, he has to rebuff her amorous advances when he learns their holiday plans coincide with his covert military operation on the island. As duty comes first, his priorities are to capture Lucas, crack his cartel and destroy the island’s poppy plantations. To achieve his mission, he has to secretly provide protection for the women. What he doesn’t reckon on is Dotty’s discovery of his protection and her launching a harebrained escape plan that turns his well ordered plans into a circus. When truth prevails, red-faced Dotty schemes how to woo Milestone for her ulterior motives: failing which, her high-speed vibrator will have to suffice.

After:

Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty!

When sixty-something Dotty and her two friends accept an invitation to a holiday on a west African island, they have no idea their host Lucas is a drug lord using them as cover. Nor does Dotty have any idea that her new acquaintance, the delicious Major Ramsay Milestone, has an ulterior motive, too--he's there on a covert mission to break up Lucas's operation.

Covert or not, Dotty finds out and quickly gets her wires crossed. Even though the Major's making her hormones do the tango, she's convinced he's the bad guy. But in her harebrained attempts to "rescue" herself and her friends she makes things worse for everyone but Lucas. When she learns the truth she not only has to clean up her mess: she has to make it up to--and hopefully make out with--the Major, or be left alone with her trusty vibrator.

Need help with your blurb? I'm here for you!

New before/after: "Tritium Gambit"

Today's before/after is Erik Hyrkas's comic science fiction novel Tritium Gambit, the first in his series Max and Miranda. This was something of a toughie; depending on how you squint, it's either an "actioner" with lots of comedy, or a comedy with lots of action. We wanted to catch the one but not lose the other.

Here's what Erik says about going through the blurb process with me:

I couldn't have found anybody better to help me with a blurb for my book.  I spent dozens of hours of frustration on my own, and more hours consulting other writers, friends, and family, but without you, I couldn't have found the right blurb.

Thanks, Erik! It was fun working with you. Take a look at what Erik and I did together:

--Oh wait! You should know that Erik sent me forty--40!--different attempts at his blurb! I'll spare you the forty; this is the one he was using when he hired me:

Before:

The best agents examine their briefs before a harrowing mission. Max waits until his briefs need to be washed.

He wakes up this morning hungry for bacon and eggs. Instead, he’s served an aromatic pile of opportunity. The prestigious record he set this year might be the culprit: he's lost the most partners to intergalactic predators. His new partner, Miranda, is considering a career change, which may help her live longer.

Sometimes your greatest enemy isn't the forty foot alien chewing your arm, but you have to start somewhere.

After:

Intergalactic Secret Service Agent Maximus Anderson is a trouble magnet. Oh, he's fine, but every single one of his former partners is either dead, disabled, or permanently stinks of Krylian boar spray.

Fresh-out-of-the-Academy Agent Miranda Smith thinks she's hot stuff, but she's already lost her first partner and is headed toward trouble magnet territory herself.

Now, in hopes the two nuisances will kill each other off, the ISS has paired Max and Miranda up to investigate possible alien activity in a galactic backwater called Minnesota. Something seems to be lunching on the locals, and that something may have hotwired a military spaceship with enough firepower to level a city.

The closer Max and Miranda get to solving the mystery, the harder it becomes to resist their pesky romantic attraction—and stay off the menu themselves. Max will tell you, it's tough to crack a case with a giant alien chewing on your arm.

Tritium Gambit is the first in the comic science fiction series Max and Miranda.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

New before/after: "The Emerald City"

Today's before/after is J.A. Beard's "The Emerald City," an urban fantasy story set in Seattle and loosely based on "The Wizard of Oz."

Before:

In this loose re-imagining of the Wizard of Oz, Kansas teen Gail Dorjee has tried to escape from the pain of her parents' death by retreating into a hard shell of anger and sarcasm.

When her aunt and uncle ship her off to an elite Seattle boarding school, Osland Academy, she spends her first day making enemies, including the school's most powerful clique, the Winged, and their leader, the ruthless Diana.

Social war and the school's uptight teachers are only mild annoyances. Mysterious phone outages, bizarre behavioral blocks, and strange incidents suggest Osland is focused on something much more sinister than education.

Now Gail has to survive at Osland with a pretty pathetic assortment of potential allies: her airhead roommate, a cowardly victim of the Winged, and maybe, just maybe, Diana's cold but handsome boyfriend, Nick.

After:

When her parents die, teenager Gail Dorjee retreats into an angry, sarcastic shell. She hopes it will ease her pain, but all it gets her is a one-way trip from Kansas to a Seattle boarding school, the elite Osland Academy.

As soon as she arrives, Gail clashes with Diana, the leader of the school's most powerful clique. The Winged make Gail's life hell until she finds allies: her airhead roommate; a cowardly fellow victim of the Winged; and, bit by bit, Diana's boyfriend--the seemingly heartless Nick.

Gail soon has bigger problems than Diana. One of her teachers hates her. Glasses shatter and fountains erupt around her. She can't swear no matter how hard she tries. An unseen force is keeping her on campus. And worst of all, she uncovers a plot that will give one person a precious gift at the cost of thousands of lives. Now Gail and her friends must stop the plot--not just to save lives, but to win a brain, the nerve, a heart and a home in this modern urban fantasy take on "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz."

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Spoiler Syndrome

I see it almost every day at Kindleboards.com. A writer's looking for help with a blurb, but it's impossible to give. Why? I have no idea what the story's about. Blurb after blurb reads something like:

This guy [but I can't tell you his name] does something amazing [but I can't tell you what it is or what it does] that may change the world [but I can't tell you how]. Someone [but I can't tell you who] wants to do something else with the something amazing [but I can't tell you what that is]. It's a rollercoaster ride of suspense!

The only suspense is what the hell the book is about. Trust me, no one will buy that book to discover if it really is a rollercoaster of suspense. You haven't built interest with all the hanging questions in that blurb; you've deflected it.

"Yes," says the writer, "but I'm afraid to give too much of the story away." If this is what you're struggling with, friend, you have Spoiler Syndrome.

Studies have actually shown that getting spoiled doesn't ruin the enjoyment of the reader/viewer. Not that you should reveal the entire plot in your blurb, but don't hesitate to give people the essentials. In fact, you must give people more information than not.

A great rule Edward W. Robertson put forth at Kindleboards.com, partially paraphrased:

Any details in the first half of the book are fair game. If something unexpected happens in the first half, that's not a twist. That's a hook.

One way to break through Spoiler Syndrome: Write a draft of the blurb giving EVERYTHING away. All of it. Then pare it back until you have the basics of what the book is about.

Succumbing to Spoiler Syndrome will leave you with a mushy blurb, a blurb that gives no indication of what makes your story different or even what it's about. Look your blurb over and see if you need to give away more, not less.

More blurb-writing tips here.