Today's before/after is Norah Wilson and Heather Doherty's "Ashlyn's Radio," a bang-up YA supernatural. Heather and Norah are putting the book out in paperback and took the opportunity to spruce up the blurb.
Here's what Wilson/Doherty and I did.
Before:
When her mother is hospitalized after a mental breakdown, Ashlyn is crushed to have to leave Toronto to go live with her grandmother in Prescott Junction, Maine, where nothing happens. Nothing except for the ghost train that rolls through on the rusted lines on dark nights – the one the townsfolk pretend not to hear as it comes to claim troubled, lost souls. Ashlyn scoffs at the idea ... until she witnesses it herself, with its evil, seductive conductor and the wailing of souls trapped on board. The string of unexplained deaths by the tracks throughout the village's history (Ashlyn's father included, before she was even born) lends credence to the tale. As frightened as she is at the conductor’s pull, more terror awaits when the antique radio in her grandmother’s basement comes to life. Ashlyn’s grandmother tells her the radio is a Caverhill curse, and can’t be destroyed or discarded. It keeps coming back, and it keeps broadcasting "reports" of events yet to happen. Her grandmother begs her to stay away from the radio, but Ashlyn cannot help but listen. And to her horror, it tells her she is bound to board the ghost train. Ashlyn will need the help of her newfound friends – the troubled Rachel and the very sexy Caden – if she is going to get through the coming horrors with her sanity intact and her soul unclaimed.
After:
Ashlyn Caverhill has left behind her senior year of high school to live with her grandmother, and she's not happy about it. Small-town Maine has nothing on Toronto. But her mother is ill, and there's nowhere else to go. Even though it contains one Caden Williams--the hottest guy she's ever seen--Ashlyn thinks Prescott Junction is the deadest place ever.
She may be right. A lot of people seem to die mysteriously down by the long-abandoned train tracks. Her own father died there before she was born. The townspeople whisper about a ghost train that comes for the souls of Prescott Junction's most troubled and vulnerable. Ashlyn scoffs until one night she sees the train and its ghoulish conductor, who nearly coaxes her on board.
Ashlyn's fear grows when she finds an old radio that haunts the Caverhill family. They've thrown it out. It comes back. They've buried it. It comes back. They've sunk it in the lake, and still it comes back. Even though it's never plugged in, the radio broadcasts stories of future events that always come to pass. Imagine Ashlyn's horror when the radio's top story is "Ashlyn Caverhill boards the ghost train." Now she must rely on the help of Caden and her new friend Rachel to escape the radio's curse and stop the ghost train before she's forced to ride it forever.
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
New before/after: "One Insular Tahiti"
Today's book is Thea Atkinson's "One Insular Tahiti." This is a non-linear novel, and that made it a little harder to get a handle on it. Here's what Thea and I did.
Before:
Luke's death has come the way he always feared it would: in the claustrophobic, underground heat of a Cape Breton coal mine. He had suspected it would end this way, had embraced it even, so while his body is buried, his soul settles into a watery existence of endless waiting.
Soon, something changes in his personal purgatory; all is not quiet the way it was when he first realized he was dead. Now a wind howls and storm seas bring waves of half remembered events from his past life that are so terrible he will do anything to avoid reliving them: images of war and abuse and of a favored brother spoiled by disease.
He needs to find a way out.
This is when he notices Astrid, a newborn fighting for her life. She isn't supposed to survive her birth, but if he can just will her to be his mother, he can save her and escape the anguish of this terrible supposed insular Tahiti.
Too late, Luke realizes that the connection that binds him to Astrid is the same inevitable battle of memories he left his purgatory to forget. Now he must endure the replay of horrific images that will ultimately change his soul and Astrid's forever.
One Insular Tahiti is a nonlinear tale of one soul's search for redemption and the lengths the human spirit will go to find peace.
After:
Luke MacIsaac is dead, and not restfully dead. He'd always expected he'd die in the claustrophobic, underground heat of a Cape Breton coal mine. He'd even embraced it as his soul settled into a watery existence of endless waiting.
But in short order the placid waters of his afterlife turn to rolling seas of time and memory as his violent past plays out again for him. Images of war, childhood abuse, and the tortured life of a brother he loved and failed inundate him. More than anything, he wants to escape.
In his confusion and pain, he senses a kindred spirit in Astrid, a newborn struggling to stay alive. Luke helps her in hopes she may one day be the one who brings him out of his purgatory and into a new incarnation. He discovers too late that Astrid's soul is linked to his hellish past life. Now he must experience all the anguish they went through together, and watch helplessly as Astrid goes through sorrows of her own, before the two of them can finally meet in this world and find peace together.
By the way, I didn't know what "insular Tahiti" meant. It's a reference to Moby Dick:
"For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half known life. God keep thee! Push not off from that isle, thou canst never return!"
The more you know. :)
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Before:
Luke's death has come the way he always feared it would: in the claustrophobic, underground heat of a Cape Breton coal mine. He had suspected it would end this way, had embraced it even, so while his body is buried, his soul settles into a watery existence of endless waiting.
Soon, something changes in his personal purgatory; all is not quiet the way it was when he first realized he was dead. Now a wind howls and storm seas bring waves of half remembered events from his past life that are so terrible he will do anything to avoid reliving them: images of war and abuse and of a favored brother spoiled by disease.
He needs to find a way out.
This is when he notices Astrid, a newborn fighting for her life. She isn't supposed to survive her birth, but if he can just will her to be his mother, he can save her and escape the anguish of this terrible supposed insular Tahiti.
Too late, Luke realizes that the connection that binds him to Astrid is the same inevitable battle of memories he left his purgatory to forget. Now he must endure the replay of horrific images that will ultimately change his soul and Astrid's forever.
One Insular Tahiti is a nonlinear tale of one soul's search for redemption and the lengths the human spirit will go to find peace.
After:
Luke MacIsaac is dead, and not restfully dead. He'd always expected he'd die in the claustrophobic, underground heat of a Cape Breton coal mine. He'd even embraced it as his soul settled into a watery existence of endless waiting.
But in short order the placid waters of his afterlife turn to rolling seas of time and memory as his violent past plays out again for him. Images of war, childhood abuse, and the tortured life of a brother he loved and failed inundate him. More than anything, he wants to escape.
In his confusion and pain, he senses a kindred spirit in Astrid, a newborn struggling to stay alive. Luke helps her in hopes she may one day be the one who brings him out of his purgatory and into a new incarnation. He discovers too late that Astrid's soul is linked to his hellish past life. Now he must experience all the anguish they went through together, and watch helplessly as Astrid goes through sorrows of her own, before the two of them can finally meet in this world and find peace together.
By the way, I didn't know what "insular Tahiti" meant. It's a reference to Moby Dick:
"For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half known life. God keep thee! Push not off from that isle, thou canst never return!"
The more you know. :)
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
New before/after: "Thin Hope"
Today's before/after is Naomi and Holly Hook's "Thin Hope."
Before:
Princess Kiki Endicott has enough of her own problems without war looming over the horizon. Her uncle, the Royal General, won't stop stalking her, despite the fact that she's already engaged to her hot fiancé, Damon. But it turns out that her uncle's obsession with her goes farther: he wants her to join him in becoming the most powerful beings in the world, using the blood of several races, and he'll stop at nothing to meet his goal.
Soon her uncle manipulates two races to invade her city, Frelladon: the Delainians, genetically engineered by their leader to control the weather, and the Latienians, magic users ruled by a power-hungry Emperor. Neither are as dangerous as the Royal General, who is turning into a creature that will take far more than Kiki and Damon's military skills to defeat.
After:
Princess Kiki Endicott faces two threats from one man. Royal General Patrick Maxwell says he's only pursuing peace, but his plan depends entirely on making himself the genetically enhanced, superhuman ruler of the known world. He wants Kiki to join him in near-immortality and become his wife--even though he's her uncle. In his desire for her, Maxwell tries to kill her lover Damon Stanza. Maxwell ends up in prison instead, and Damon takes his place as Royal General.
Now Maxwell has escaped and is marching on Kiki's city with a horde of genetically altered soldiers and magic users. It's going to take everything Kiki and Damon have to defeat Maxwell before he takes the kingdom--and Kiki herself.
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
New before/after: "The Poppet and the Lune"
Today's before/after is Madeline Ciricillo's "The Poppet and the Lune." Madeline won a contest to have her blurb reworked and says "I love it!!" about the new blurb.
Before:
The witch who made the patchwork girl died before she could give her creation a name. Stitched together from the remains of the villagers’ dead children—whose memories still live in her flesh—and held together by a ring made of moonbeams, the patchwork girl is a spell as yet unfinished. She can never be what her parents wanted her to be: a replacement for the children they’ve lost. So when the poppet grows up, and grows tired of being a disappointment, she decides to embark upon a journey through the Everwood Forest in search of her real name.
In the forest she meets Faolin, a newly made wereman (a man trapped as a wolf except during the full moon) running from the beasts who killed his father, and stole his throne as Wolf King. He joins the patchwork girl on her journey, and she promises to help him become human again and return to his fiancée. Together, they face the dangers of the forest as their paths wind together: Faolin running from his destiny, the patchwork girl in search of her own, and both of them bound by moonlight.
But Faolin, afraid of the beast he has become, has known all along what he must do in order to lift the curse and return to his fiancée. In fact, it is the very reason he sought out the patchwork girl to begin with—and now the only reason he is willing to leave her side: to save her from himself.
After:
The patchwork girl is incomplete, and a disappointment. The witch who made her died before giving her a name. The families who commissioned her reject her; the girl is no replacement for the dead children whose bodies make up her patches. Worse, the children's memories haunt her.
Faolin is a newly made wereman. He lives as a wolf but for the three days the moon is full, when he becomes a man again. Faolin is on the run from the beasts who killed his father the Wolf King and stole his throne.
More than anything the patchwork girl wants to find her real name, and a place in the world where she can be accepted for what she is--whatever that might be. More than anything Faolin wants to become fully human again and return to his fiancée.
When the two meet in the Everwood Forest, they decide to work together before time runs out for both of them. If the patchwork girl doesn't find her real name, the memories haunting her flesh may take over completely--but what she doesn't know is that breaking the wereman's curse may also end her life.
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Monday, December 5, 2011
New Before/After: "Hereafter"
Here's something different: a pitch. Writer and fellow Broad Universe member Terri Bruce hired me to help with the agent pitch for her book "Hereafter." In other words, this book isn't out yet, which is why there's no Amazon link. And you'll note that it's longer than the average blurb.
Initially I was nervous about working on it because I've never written a pitch, but it turned out to be a really fun project. What made it so fun is that Terri was the one who wrote most of the final pitch! What you need to know about what I do is that we do this together. It's not just me re-writing and you accepting or rejecting; it's a collaboration, and sometimes I'm more of a midwife than a doctor.
Here's what Terri has to say about the process:
"I do a lot of facilitation work in my 'day job' and I know that while the facilitatees are the subject matter experts, a good facilitator - who just helps pull what the facilitatees know out into the open - is invaluable. And that is the service you provide; you are so right; your service is not necessarily the 'word smithing' but that facilitation piece. It can be very hard to get outside of your own head and someone who can help you see something you are so close to from another perspective is invaluable!"
Thanks, Terri! Here's what we came up with:
Before:
Irene Dunphy doesn't want to let a little thing like being dead get in the way of having a good time, but the afterlife has other ideas.
Irene was living the high life before the decision to get behind the wheel after a night of bar-hopping brought it all to an end. Things wouldn't be so bad if the afterlife had lived up to the hype, but unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a white light, tunnel to the other side, or pearly gate in sight. In fact, she’s stranded as a ghost unless she can find a way to cross over—which might be just fine with her. After all, the bars are all here on Earth—but then, so are ghost repellents, exorcism, and spirit-eating demons. Moving on, however, involves facing final judgment and the possibility she might end up in purgatory—or worse. Because it turns out, when it comes to the afterlife, every culture and religion has part of it right. Assisted by a flaky psychic and a fourteen year old boy who can see dead people (thanks to a book he found in the school library), Irene sets out to discover a third option between staying on Earth as a ghost and confronting three-headed hell hounds, lakes of fire, and fat, singing women on horseback on the other side. If she wants to end up with a happily ever hereafter, she’ll have to not only learn to live with either the living or the dead, but also face up to some hard truths about the way she lived her life and accept the fact that the party eventually ends.
After:
Irene Dunphy is a mid-career professional having the time of her life. She’s smart, beautiful, and successful. But there are a few things missing from an otherwise perfect life: her boyfriends have all been self-absorbed jerks. Her closest friends are the kind of people who let her get behind the wheel after a night of bar-hopping. She’s running out of excuses for missing work due to hang-overs. And, oh yeah, she’s just died.
Jonah Johnson is a fourteen year old boy genius who’s skipped two grades. He’s also sweet, generous, and kind—which means he’s a high school pariah. At home, his self-absorbed drama queen of a sister gets all the attention. Ignored on the one hand and mercilessly bullied and teased on the other, he escapes into an obsessive study of afterlife mythology. And when he finds a book in his high school library that teaches him how to see dead people, it seems like the answer to his prayers.
Separate, they’re both in trouble. Irene can’t find the tunnel to the afterlife and is stranded on Earth as a ghost. Jonah spends more time with the dead than the living and is becoming a little too fascinated by death. But when their paths cross it might just be the best thing that’s happened to either of them. If Irene can teach Jonah how to live and he can show her how to cross over, then they both might be saved. But what should be a fairly straightforward task becomes complicated when they discover all the stories of the afterlife are true and every culture and religion has part of it right. Irene is tempted to stay here and spend eternity drowning her sorrows at a bar for the dead, rather than face things like purgatory, three-headed hell hounds, and lakes of fire on the other side, while Jonah would do anything to experience firsthand all the cool dead stuff he’s read about—even if it means risking death in the process.
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Initially I was nervous about working on it because I've never written a pitch, but it turned out to be a really fun project. What made it so fun is that Terri was the one who wrote most of the final pitch! What you need to know about what I do is that we do this together. It's not just me re-writing and you accepting or rejecting; it's a collaboration, and sometimes I'm more of a midwife than a doctor.
Here's what Terri has to say about the process:
"I do a lot of facilitation work in my 'day job' and I know that while the facilitatees are the subject matter experts, a good facilitator - who just helps pull what the facilitatees know out into the open - is invaluable. And that is the service you provide; you are so right; your service is not necessarily the 'word smithing' but that facilitation piece. It can be very hard to get outside of your own head and someone who can help you see something you are so close to from another perspective is invaluable!"
Thanks, Terri! Here's what we came up with:
Before:
Irene Dunphy doesn't want to let a little thing like being dead get in the way of having a good time, but the afterlife has other ideas.
Irene was living the high life before the decision to get behind the wheel after a night of bar-hopping brought it all to an end. Things wouldn't be so bad if the afterlife had lived up to the hype, but unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a white light, tunnel to the other side, or pearly gate in sight. In fact, she’s stranded as a ghost unless she can find a way to cross over—which might be just fine with her. After all, the bars are all here on Earth—but then, so are ghost repellents, exorcism, and spirit-eating demons. Moving on, however, involves facing final judgment and the possibility she might end up in purgatory—or worse. Because it turns out, when it comes to the afterlife, every culture and religion has part of it right. Assisted by a flaky psychic and a fourteen year old boy who can see dead people (thanks to a book he found in the school library), Irene sets out to discover a third option between staying on Earth as a ghost and confronting three-headed hell hounds, lakes of fire, and fat, singing women on horseback on the other side. If she wants to end up with a happily ever hereafter, she’ll have to not only learn to live with either the living or the dead, but also face up to some hard truths about the way she lived her life and accept the fact that the party eventually ends.
After:
Irene Dunphy is a mid-career professional having the time of her life. She’s smart, beautiful, and successful. But there are a few things missing from an otherwise perfect life: her boyfriends have all been self-absorbed jerks. Her closest friends are the kind of people who let her get behind the wheel after a night of bar-hopping. She’s running out of excuses for missing work due to hang-overs. And, oh yeah, she’s just died.
Jonah Johnson is a fourteen year old boy genius who’s skipped two grades. He’s also sweet, generous, and kind—which means he’s a high school pariah. At home, his self-absorbed drama queen of a sister gets all the attention. Ignored on the one hand and mercilessly bullied and teased on the other, he escapes into an obsessive study of afterlife mythology. And when he finds a book in his high school library that teaches him how to see dead people, it seems like the answer to his prayers.
Separate, they’re both in trouble. Irene can’t find the tunnel to the afterlife and is stranded on Earth as a ghost. Jonah spends more time with the dead than the living and is becoming a little too fascinated by death. But when their paths cross it might just be the best thing that’s happened to either of them. If Irene can teach Jonah how to live and he can show her how to cross over, then they both might be saved. But what should be a fairly straightforward task becomes complicated when they discover all the stories of the afterlife are true and every culture and religion has part of it right. Irene is tempted to stay here and spend eternity drowning her sorrows at a bar for the dead, rather than face things like purgatory, three-headed hell hounds, and lakes of fire on the other side, while Jonah would do anything to experience firsthand all the cool dead stuff he’s read about—even if it means risking death in the process.
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Before/After: My own book!
There's a saying: The shoemaker's children go barefoot. Such has been the case with my poor novel. Writing your own blurb is one of the worst parts of being indie, and I am not exempted from that.
Recently I submitted my book to Why Is My Book Not Selling (though it's not selling too terribly badly) and got some good feedback--mostly questions--that I could use to hone my blurb. (Questions, friends, are the real secret to blurb refinement. Listen to the questions you get in feedback.) I'm still not 100% satisfied, but I thought I'd share the results with you.
Before:
Sheltered Prince Temmin arrives at the intrigue-filled court of his father and finds his world turned upside down. Suddenly he's the target of assassins sent by enemies he didn't even know he had. His family's immortal advisor immerses him in a magic book filled with the forgotten stories of the Kingdom's women. And he's falling for the beautiful twins Allis and Issak.
But the twins are the human avatars of the Gods of love and desire. To be with them, Temmin must fulfill a prophecy so old it's moved into folklore--a prophecy that may signal the end of the monarchy--and his father does everything he can to stop him.
Temmin must choose a path: one leads to ultimate glory for Tremont, the other to its end.The first book in the fantasy saga "An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom."
After:
Fantasy Book Critic 2010 Top 6 Indie Fantasy Book: "A+...I would definitely urge you to try this one."
Eighteen-year-old Prince Temmin has led a childhood as close to normal as possible, far from the capital. When he comes of age and joins his father King Harsin, he's completely unprepared for the politics, assassins and sexual intrigues at court.
Temmin is even more unprepared when he discovers there is magic in the world, all in the hands of his father's immortal advisor Teacher. Teacher becomes his tutor, and Temmin discovers his lessons are contained in a magic book. When Teacher reads to him, Temmin experiences everything the story's characters do, and he's forced to confront serious mistakes in the kingdom's--and his own--past.
His present is just as complicated. He's falling for beautiful twins--brother and sister--who are the human hosts of the Gods of love and desire called the Lovers. Being with them is more than sex; it's a religious calling, and the Lovers have spoken clearly to him. But an ancient prophecy says that if Temmin heeds Their call it may spell the end of the monarchy, and his father King Harsin fights him every step of the way.
Temmin must choose: Serve the Lovers and lose his father--and possibly the kingdom--or serve King Harsin and risk the wrath of the Gods.
Set in a Victorianesque world of magic, sexuality, political intrigue and military conquest, "Lovers and Beloveds" is the first book in the series "An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom."
Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that. Even if I have trouble with my own! :D
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